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to Issue 9
Baseball, they say, is America’s Favorite pastime. But maybe that’s
not entirely true. There is another sport that Americans enjoy much
more and I think you all know what we’re talking about. Hell, chances
are it’s preventing you from concentrating on what you’re reading right
this very second. Oh, come on. Do I have to say it? Like
Salt-N-Pepa, I’m talking about SEX, baby! Good ol’ American sex.
Recently I was flipping through YM – my absolute favorite young women’s
fashion magazine – and I came across the letters section wherein a budding,
insecure lass was wondering what all this ‘baseball terminology’ in reference
to sex was. Based on the editor’s cryptic and very trivial explanation,
we, as baseball loving American males, feel obliged to give this and all
other confused young teenage women everywhere a most sincerest of answers.
Hehheh. This is so shallow it hurts.
First off, we’d like to say there’s no authoritative guide we
know of for running the basepaths. In fact, upon examining the issue, Wade
and Brendan discovered they had markedly differing rules on just how to
keep score. Be warned of the ambiguity. Here you go.
First base: Don’t matter how you get there, but it starts with the first
steps beyond holding hands and blowing in each other’s ears — kissing,
etc. Open mouth or closed, but no pecks on the cheek count as getting to
Second base: In baseball, getting to second is known as being in “scoring
position.” This also holds true for courtship and the like. Most guys consider
getting to second when moderate to heavy petting has occurred.
Third base: Third base, in most guys’ rulebooks, is oral sex. As we all
know, getting stranded on third sucks. (Although it sucks a lot more in
Home run: Uh, you know. Wink, wink. (Also known as scoring.)
Strike-out: No luck. Back to the dugout.
Of course, all this baseball talk ignores the complexity of any
real relationship, and of course it’s all completely sexist. But that’s
not really our concern. The real question is… what about other ways to
reach base, score, or even get out in baseball…and, er, with chicks?
How else can you reach base? Well, what about a dropped third strike?
Would that be like having her pass out but sticking your tongue down her
throat anyhow? Or what about getting walked? Well, that would
be like getting a kiss in a situation where it is almost obligatory – as
in after a first date. Or if you’ve somehow circumvented the first step
– having gone straight from the batter’s box to second, third, or even
home – then coming back to first; after all this, it would only be a like
a walk. Highly unlikely this last one, but possible. And hey,
in this day and age, could going to a relief pitcher be like popping Viagra
when you just can’t keep it up? Maybe. Here’s a sexual equivalent
for every other baseball term – banal or obscure – that we could think
of off the top of our heads.
RBI: When you make out with some girl’s friend so your friend can bang
the other girl in the next room.
Suicide squeeze play: When you entertain some girl’s fat ugly friend so
your friend can bang the other girl in the next room.
Double header: Use your imagination, fucko.
Designated hitter: When you convince a friend to go talk to a girl you
like for you, then the girl falls for him.
Inside the park home run: When you’re dry humping and you both orgasm.
Infield fly rule: When you get to first base, you leave the room to pee,
and come back to find your smart-ass friend making out with the same girl.
Picked off at second: When her dad walks in just as you’re untucking her
Ground rule double: When you’ve gotten to second, but you let go in your
pants and you don’t want her to know.
Rain delay: It’s that time of the month.
Seventh inning stretch: When you’re making out and the phone rings.
Caught in a run-down: That weird time when you’re between bases and you
don’t know if you can get to the next one.
Ground out: When you are too drunk to even get to first base.
Drag bunt: When you like a girl and she kisses you as a joke or on a dare.
Thrown out at home: When you would have scored but you didn’t have a condom.
Hit by a wild pitch: When you never would have made out with that girl
if you hadn’t been so drunk.
Intentional walk: When you’re too shy to kiss a girl, but she initiates
it for you.
Grand slam: When you bang the same girl three of your friends have already
Pine tar on the bat: When you wake up and it really, REALLY itches.
No-hitter: That girl who nobody can get with unless she goes after you.
Perfect game: That girl who’s absolutely wonderful but you could never
get with her.
Fielder’s choice: When you get to a new base with a girl and none of your
friends will believe you.
Error: When you never would have gotten to that base if she was sober,
less desperate, or the bar hadn’t been so dark. (Relationships are full
of errors anyway.)