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Dear God,

 College life is such a drag, I think my roommate is a fag, he likes to make me wear a gag, and hates it when I burn the flag. He really is a smelly bastard, he spanks his monkey even faster, leaves his mess right on the rug, and then gives me a sticky hug. SO should I fucking kick his ass, fake a draw and forward pass, or should I be the dynamo, sling some rock and fetch some \hos. I burden thee with all these problems, these nasty, dirty, hairy goblins, and hope that you will answer back, not just ignore and smoke some crack. I know this don’t make any sense, but without fear of recompense, my libation surely unto you, a child’s filthy underoos.

    Abused and confused,
    Musta Rhymes

Dear Musta,

 I don’t know where you get your crack but next time I would take it back. Your letter must be well-rehearsed but impressed I am not with your verse. Your lines and meters are all sound but I’ll rhyme your ass into the ground! I know rhymes like the back of my palm--you forget , I wrote the Psalms! I chuckle at your silly conundrum, I find your measly problems humdrum. And if your roommate is quite gay, I’ll bet that you like him that way! I know all your deepest desires and I can see your flaming fires. His habits only come to pass ‘cause you want your dick inside his ass! I’ll toast your pervert ass in hell when for your soul tolls the bell. And if your ass is still so cocky, you’ll spend eternity with George Pataki! So never diss my ass, ya schmuck, or else you’ll soon be outta luck. Word.

Dear God,

 Yo. Gawd, dis is Madball Mike, straight outta Westchesta. Yo, like me an’ my vegan homeboyz got like a question for ya. See, I gots dis pal Jake, see, and some of my other frenz got issues wit da man. See, Jake calls hisself hard to the core, like the rest of us. An’ I think he’s hard to the core, too, see, cuz all he wears are Vans, his chain wallet almost touches the ground, and he sez he once ollied da railings at CBGB’s (dat’s phat). But, see, Raven and Monica sez they saw him get milk in the lunch line. Now I think it’s OK if da boy slipped up once (we’z all human, right God, I mean like except for you see), but we’z gonna go bash heads after Earth Crisis, and if Jake’s only hardcore and not hard to the core, then we’z gonna have issues. Dis is a big question, God, cuz’ we all starts Junior High next year and dis dictates our social hierarky and shit. So writes back, bro, and lemme know wazzup.

    Madbawl Mike

Dear Madbawl Mike,

 You pussy! God does not respect the fact that you are wasting his time troubling him with stupid questions about designations in you pathetic “hardcore” scene. Whether you are hardcore or hard to the core doesn’t matter to God. You wanna know why? Because all your cheesy bands only sound like death metal (God’s favorite type of unpopular music)! You bastards are too good for your own good! What the hell do you find wrong with a little experimentation with “hardcore” durgs, some pre-marital sex, drinking my blood, and sacrificing animals? You think they used to appease me with tofu? Goddammit, you little vegan fuck, I demand you to milk a calf then sacrifice it to me right this fucking second! You think God’s XXX-edge? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! God could care less. Long live VENOM!!!