When I was four years old, my favorite children’s book was the popular children’s book The Velveteen Rabbit. I loved that bunny and his quest to become “real”. You know, like Pinocchio became real. Well, here I am twenty-one years later, writing to you in my bed. The reason? Because every night, a pink, man-sized bunny comes into my room, disrobes, jumps into the same bed I am in now, and fucks me up the ass like there’s no tomorrow. At first I didn’t really enjoy it, but thought, “Well, I could get used to this.” In time, I came to welcome the feeling of that smooth velveteen against my bare ass. This bunny, who identifies himself only through a NAMBLA tattoo on his left shoulder, keeps telling me that this is the only way he can ever truly “become real,” just like in the story. Anyhow, God, I just wanted to thank you for bringing my favorite childhood story to life. God bless you!
What version of The Velveteen Rabbit did you read, you sick fuck?!?! This pervert in pink is NOT a godsend, at least not from MY Almighty Kingdom! How dare you even insinuate that I would condone an organization as vile as NAMBLA, blecccccch!!! God used to enjoy that particular children’s story almost as much as you, until you ruined it for him, you misled wretch! Remember thou the eighth commandment (I think...) “Thou shalt castrate and eviscerate rapists and pedophiles”? You shall burn in the seething lake of unholy stromboli... I mean FIRE that has been prepared for you and others I find fault with. You thought that was Satan’s department? Hell, no! I’ve got my own lake here, too! Clean up your act and get choppin’ or God will seal your ass up with concrete and cast you to your death! Good fucking day! And don’t EVER bless me!
Why hast thou forsaken me? All my life I have suffered the iniquities of the wicked and finally, for one brief moment thou had reworded me with the very object of my desires. Why, oh God, Didst thou entice me with this harlot, when you knew that our union was to be ill-fated? Her hair was as red as fire, but unbeknownst to me, ‘twas indicative of the very hell-fire she was born from! This succubus did suck me, and took the very aquae vitae from my loins, most likely to procreate the wicked daemons that hibernate within her. Yea, verily I could have sworn her snatch snapped at me when I fingered her delicate mound. I did not believe until now that her hymeneal fragrance was truly odious. As I ran my fingers betwixt her milky thighs, I swear she did spew forth invectives at me. ‘Twas foreplay at the moment, but now I realize she was calling upon the Dark One to give her the power to enthrall me! Why, oh just and merciful God, do you allow the wicked to flourish upon this dreary plane? Taketh thee mine life now, if thou durst, for I still feel for this godless whore, who claims to follow you but has been known to fuck big, retarded jocks! End my life now!
God truly sympathizes with your situation.
I’ll have a chat with the Dark One (we’re doing lunch tomorrow as it is)
and see what can be done with this foul piece of material that you asked
me to create from one of you own ribs! The matter shall be rectified. I
wish I could end your life now, but unfortunately, you must suffer at the
vile hands of one more powerful than you or I, aye: the Great Syphillus.
For though you did not fall into the valley of the shadow of death, a curse
has been placed upon your mortal coil that only the strongest of Penicillin
can break. Good luck on you Odyssey in finding some. “Godspeed.”