Back to Issue 2 | Back to Chuck Firebomb's Nihilistic Minute

DISCLAIMER: Chuck is not a responsible individual and should not be taken seriously. PLEASE DON'T DESTROY ANYTHING! Or don't blame us if you do, at least, please.


Okay, listen all you bored, white, middle class revolutionaries out there. The call is out and the time to act is NOW! What am I talking about? Dig up the Jan. 28th Buffalo News for the whole story. The fascist racist capitalist pigs who run the Boulevard, Eastern Hills and, most hated of all, Walden Galleria malls have refused for years to allow inner-city busses to stop on their holy suburbanite grounds. This means that innocent mall patrons coming by bus from downtown were often forced to negotiate busy thoroughfares, often without crosswalks, to get from unsheltered bus stops to these meccas of consumerism. Why? Because the supply pigs who run the malls don't want black or lower-class urban mass-transit patrons in their sacred shopping centers! Already at least one poor soul has DIED outside the Galleria because of these discriminatory policies.

Yes, at the Galleria the situation has been fixed but that life which was lost can never be replaced. Some might suggest legal action or some kind of boycott. But no. The time for sane responsible action is over. It's time to fuckin' RIOT. The abuse must end and end now--and permanently. It's time we rise up and do away with the malls and all they stand for! Friends, haven't we put up with THE MALL and its shit for long enough? The lingering bad hippie odor of New Age Creations? The over-friendly preppy cretins at Structure and The Gap? The vastly over-priced CDs and sparse selection of tapes at Camelot, Record Town, and The Wall? The testosterone-fueled jock-pampering sporting goods stores like Laux and Foot Locker? The cow-killers at Wilson's? The wall-to-wall alternative poseur jocks and fluff chicks? We must destroy it all, NOW!!!

One option, of course, it to raze every fuckin' one to the ground. But this would probably only injure or kill innocent shoppers and wage-slaves while the truly responsible pigs would be safe and comfy in AMHERST or WILLIAMSVILLE or ORCHARD PARK or some other such rancid suburban cesspool. But for the creative anarchist there is always a way. For example, you could do exactly what the mall owner pigs were afraid of. Grab a large group of your friends, pull on your baggy jeans and big down jackets, and hang out at the mall for a while. Believe me, whether you're white or black, your sheer presence will scare the shit out of your average white suburbanite mall patron. Be sure to hang out in especially unnerving places, like the parking lot or the entrance, and hail the occasional shopper with a friendly "What up, G?" The great thing is you're not doing anything wrong so no one can fuck with you.

There are lots of other ways to freak out sheepish suburbanites. If you're a guy, get a male friend and try on all the earrings in Claire's. Go to a record store and ask if they have any vinyl. Ask for a bong in New Age Creations. Walk into Wilson's and start mooing like a cow. Do anything to fuck with people.
If we all work together, we can finally do away with these blights on our land. Unite, rise and riot! Down with mini-backpack purses and Grateful Dead merchandise! The revolution begins NOW!

Next Month: How to fuck with TOPS.