Back to Issue 4 | Back to Chuck Firebomb's Nihilistic Minute

Eds' Note: Okay, Chuck is way off base this time, but hey, it's interesting (even if he is wrong). Read on.


The problem, my fellow Americans, is not that too many people own guns. It's who owns the guns that's the problem.

Lets' run down the list of your typical gun-toting American. First there's cops. Now cops need to own guns because otherwise nobody would listen to them. Would you stop for a ticket if you didn't know that Pork Chop has that big Glock hanging off his hip? Hell, no! You'd pop a cap in his ass! Second there's criminals. Criminals also need guns for three reasons: a) cops have guns, b) the other criminals have guns, and c) guns are often an important tool of their trade. You can't stick up a bank with a baseball bat. Third, there's hunters. Hunters also need guns because half of them are either too stupid or too drunk to hunt with a bow. Fourth, there's home owners. Homeowners don't need guns at all. First, cops have guns. Second, most criminals aren't gonna break in unless they know they're not gonna have any problems, which means they either know they're gonna have the upper hand whether you've got a gun or not or they're just gonna wait until you leave. Third, there are plenty of other home safety devices (pepper sprays, mace, stun guns) on the market which will get you in much less trouble if you use them. So home owners with guns are just plain stupid. But on the other hand they're pretty harmless, so we'll ignore them.

The fourth major group is the right-wing gun nuts. These are the guys who bought an Uzi so they could shoot you and a lot of other people at the same time. "Collectors," my ass, anybody who buys a gun buys it so they can use it. Ask any "collector" whether he's got ammunition and see what he (or she) says. These are the people who are the real problem. Cops won't shoot you unless you're a crook (if you're not a crook they usually just beat you). Crooks won't shoot you unless you cross them (with the exception of those unfortunate enough to be born poor, black, or Hispanic--then Whitey sticks you in a ghetto and waits for the cops or the crooks to get you). Homeowners are just dumb. But right-wing gun nuts are out to get you. So what to do? Make a law? Hell, no! Unfortunately, the gun nuts in this country make the laws 'cause they got the guns. Well, here's the obvious answer: BUY A GUN! The problem in this country is not too many people with guns. Hell, no. The problem is that all the people with guns are on one side of the political spectrum. Why do you think that America is so much farther right than most of the rest of the so-called "first world"? The right wing is so damn cocky 'cause they know THEY GOT THE GUNS! Why do you think "liberal" became a dirty word in America? Because all the stupid liberals hold on to this hippie idea that if you ignore the gun problem it'll go away! Meanwhile the right has built up quite an arsenal for itself. So now anyone who wants to speak against them gets a cap in their ass! One guy blows up a building in Oklahoma and the whole rest of the country realizes they better shut up or they're toast. So now the right wing has run of the country. It's a mass media coup, and we're all victims.

Luckily there is an easy solution to this problem: BUY A GUN, YOU FUCKING HIPPIE! Drop into your local sporting goods store, pick up a nice pump action shotgun and a couple semi-auto handguns and stick a bumper sticker on your car that says "I'm ACLU and I'll plug your NRA ass!" Just see how the political scene changes. Instead of standing back and watching abortion doctors get shot, shoot a few tobacco lobbyists and see how fast things change. Give Jesse Jackson an Uzi and maybe people will start taking him seriously. It worked for the Black Panthers, didn't it? "No, no, no," you think. "Bad. Mass bloodshed. No." Well, I got news, it's us against them and right now they're winning. You can't get rid of guns even if you can control them. So the only answer is to take arms and let the Right know that now both sides are looking down the barrel of a gun. It worked miracles in the Cold War, didn't it? Remember, mutual destruction is a powerful placating force.

So what are you waiting for, al you Greenpeace people, all you NOW supporters, all you ACT UP activists! Take up arms and fight for your freedom! If you don't you've only surrendered to the people who do.