Back to Issue 4 | Back to Chuck Firebomb's Nihilistic Minute
Eds' Note: Okay, Chuck is way off base this time, but hey, it's
interesting (even if he is wrong). Read on.
BUY A GUN, YOU FUCKING HIPPIE!
The problem, my fellow Americans, is not that too many people
own guns. It's who owns the guns that's the problem.
Lets' run down the list of your typical gun-toting American. First
there's cops. Now cops need to own guns because otherwise nobody would listen
to them. Would you stop for a ticket if you didn't know that Pork Chop has that
big Glock hanging off his hip? Hell, no! You'd pop a cap in his ass! Second
there's criminals. Criminals also need guns for three reasons: a) cops have
guns, b) the other criminals have guns, and c) guns are often an important tool
of their trade. You can't stick up a bank with a baseball bat. Third, there's
hunters. Hunters also need guns because half of them are either too stupid or
too drunk to hunt with a bow. Fourth, there's home owners. Homeowners don't
need guns at all. First, cops have guns. Second, most criminals aren't gonna
break in unless they know they're not gonna have any problems, which means they
either know they're gonna have the upper hand whether you've got a gun or not
or they're just gonna wait until you leave. Third, there are plenty of other
home safety devices (pepper sprays, mace, stun guns) on the market which will
get you in much less trouble if you use them. So home owners with guns are just
plain stupid. But on the other hand they're pretty harmless, so we'll ignore
The fourth major group is the right-wing gun nuts. These are the
guys who bought an Uzi so they could shoot you and a lot of other people at
the same time. "Collectors," my ass, anybody who buys a gun buys it
so they can use it. Ask any "collector" whether he's got ammunition
and see what he (or she) says. These are the people who are the real problem.
Cops won't shoot you unless you're a crook (if you're not a crook they usually
just beat you). Crooks won't shoot you unless you cross them (with the exception
of those unfortunate enough to be born poor, black, or Hispanic--then Whitey
sticks you in a ghetto and waits for the cops or the crooks to get you). Homeowners
are just dumb. But right-wing gun nuts are out to get you. So what to do? Make
a law? Hell, no! Unfortunately, the gun nuts in this country make the laws 'cause
they got the guns. Well, here's the obvious answer: BUY A GUN! The problem in
this country is not too many people with guns. Hell, no. The problem is that
all the people with guns are on one side of the political spectrum. Why do you
think that America is so much farther right than most of the rest of the so-called
"first world"? The right wing is so damn cocky 'cause they know THEY
GOT THE GUNS! Why do you think "liberal" became a dirty word in America?
Because all the stupid liberals hold on to this hippie idea that if you ignore
the gun problem it'll go away! Meanwhile the right has built up quite an arsenal
for itself. So now anyone who wants to speak against them gets a cap in their
ass! One guy blows up a building in Oklahoma and the whole rest of the country
realizes they better shut up or they're toast. So now the right wing has run
of the country. It's a mass media coup, and we're all victims.
Luckily there is an easy solution to this problem: BUY A GUN,
YOU FUCKING HIPPIE! Drop into your local sporting goods store, pick up a nice
pump action shotgun and a couple semi-auto handguns and stick a bumper sticker
on your car that says "I'm ACLU and I'll plug your NRA ass!" Just
see how the political scene changes. Instead of standing back and watching abortion
doctors get shot, shoot a few tobacco lobbyists and see how fast things change.
Give Jesse Jackson an Uzi and maybe people will start taking him seriously.
It worked for the Black Panthers, didn't it? "No, no, no," you think.
"Bad. Mass bloodshed. No." Well, I got news, it's us against them
and right now they're winning. You can't get rid of guns even if you can control
them. So the only answer is to take arms and let the Right know that now both
sides are looking down the barrel of a gun. It worked miracles in the Cold War,
didn't it? Remember, mutual destruction is a powerful placating force.
So what are you waiting for, al you Greenpeace people, all you
NOW supporters, all you ACT UP activists! Take up arms and fight for your freedom!
If you don't you've only surrendered to the people who do.
NEXT TIME: KILL WAL-MART!