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Excuse us while we cover our asses... Chuck may be witty and insightful, but he’s also just a touch on the sketchy side. Chuck’s opinions do not necessarily reflect ours, and please don’t hurt anyone or break anything. Or at least don’t blame us. (We’re only here to entertain...)

FUCK (up) THE VOTE!

Hey ho kids, I’m back. If any of you wonder where I’ve been, I’ve got two words for you... “PLAUSIBLE DENIAL”.

So as it is now summer 1998, we are a mere five or so months away from some major senate and gubernatorial elections, and about two and a half years away from the next presidential election. Which of course means that the media is getting revved up for lots of election sort of shit. Two years ago, you may remember that “the American people” voted a certain Bill Clinton to be our Commander in Chief in an election so hot that something like thirty five percent of registered voters actually voted. This has of course been followed by two years of important political discussions about who the president is fucking and how we can screw the third world and stroke China. Then again, of course, Clinton’s biggest opponent was Bob Dole, the one-armed tool of the armed religious extreme right. Some choice, huh?

Now I figure a lot of you out there probably voted for Clinton just because you didn’t want Dole to be president. I know for a fact that several of my esteemed friends and editors here at NIMBY! did the same thing. I, on the other hand, cast a write-in vote for Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber. (Not that I agree with him, I just think it would be fun to see him in the White House.) Now I know there are lots of leftist liberal types out there who will tell you not to vote. The problem with not voting is that the media and the powers that be have invented this neat little concept called “voter apathy.” Basically, when they present us with a Republicrat and a Republicrat to choose between, if no one bothers to show, they somehow manage to blame this on the horrible bad citizen voters, instead of seeing as a big “no” vote against the whole fucking system. Basically, not voting is like shooting yourself in the foot. On the other hand, voting for a candidate you don’t like is like shooting yourself in the fucking head. How can you support a man you hate?! How can you authorize some fat old business-suited fucker to run your life, just signing away your freedom like that? Because THAT’S what you’re doing when you pull the lever for some fat cat creep politician—you’re giving that fat fuck validity to rule you.

Obviously, many people fear that if they vote the way they feel, a lot more people will vote for someone else, who they’re really vehemently against. Obviously these people have forgotten that we live in America, the land of the easy gun purchase. Some people seem to forget that the ultimate truth of democracy is that anyone can shoot the President. Haven’t you people heard of Lee Harvey Oswald, or my personal hero, Leon Czolgosz, the man who capped McKinley? It’s that easy! Yeah, the VP might not be much better but at least you’ve reminded them who ruled—YOU do. The message here is that you’re a moron first class if you vote for one fat cat in order to vote against another.

Obviously, (I seem to be saying that a lot, but I guess some of these ideas aren’t quite so obvious as they should be) in a perfect world you could always vote for a candidate you believe in. For those you who actually don’t mind being governed, there are so many third parties out there that this is almost certainly true for you. For example, for all you hippie Republicans out there who don’t have the balls to vote for Buchanan, there’s the Natural Law party (a.k.a. Jack Kemp on ginseng). Slightly more liberal Republicans might want to look into the Libertarian party, who, ever since they moved right, are pretty much the Republican party without the money and the rabid Christian jihad backing them. For those of you who actually believe in the rights of the poor to be more than surplus labor, consider the Green party, who I must give mad props for backing Ralph Nader in ’96. And for those of you who don’t mind being labeled “leftists,” there’s a myriad of socialist and communist parties out there, mainly because most of them are too stupid to unite to fight.

The media and the powers that be, once again, have come up wit a convenient concept to keep the masses from voting third party, and that’s the concept of “throwing away your vote.” This concept is the biggest fucking lie in the history of centralized power, and has been the major tool for keeping the masses complacent this decade. Since when has individuality and forming your own opinions been a waste? What kind of stupid fucking sheep are you anyway? Well, here’s the truth to destroy that Big Lie. In ’96 something like two thirds of registered voters did not vote. That’s way more than a fucking majority. In other words, we do not, repeat, NOT live under a popularly elected government. And in other words, if that two-thirds of the populace stopped listening to the Big Lie, we could easily put any of those pigs in office out on the street. Get the message? Dammit, quit voting for these people! Vote how you believe!

For others (like me) there are no candidates, possibly because we object to the whole fucking system. Unfortunately, our system lacks something I see as a basic need of any democratic system— a “no” vote. Over sixty percent of the American public voted “no” in ’96 and their voices were not heard because of the other Big Lie, voter apathy. Well, this has gotta be stopped. That’s why I want to start a national campaign against voter apathy with a “no” vote. Here’s how it works: if you don’t believe in any of the candidates on the slate next November, walk into the voting booth, look for a little piece of paper in one of the upper corners, pull out a Sharpie and write on it, “I Vote NO.” This is called a write-in vote and it’s probably the voter’s greatest weapon (use it often!). Then, pull the lever. You have just voted against voter apathy. Now, tell all your apathetic friends to do the same, and tell them to tell their friends. Sure, it’s not legally binding, but the powers that be might actually start to get a little concerned if America’s people finally stood up and said, loud and clear, NO. Is this “throwing away your vote”? Hell, no! If you were going to vote for some asshole you didn’t like anyway, how could actively voting against everyone be any more of a waste?

Imagine how much of the voting populace could get in on this... not just non-voters, but all those people who vote by voting against candidates they don’t like, too! Imagine, that could be more that 75% of the voting populace, easily! The obvious message here, everything else aside, is that democracy only works when you vote, and when you vote how you believe, instead of validating some big corrupt political juggernaut’s power with your voice. Well, that’s my message for this week. My busy schedule fucking with the powers that be might not let me get back in touch for a while, but just remember... there’s nothing about fascism that can’t be solved with baseball bat.

Next Time: Fear And Loathing In Unrestricted Global Capitalism