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Eds. Note: If you don’t realize how sarcastic this is, fuck you then.

emo n. A style of music derived from punk rock and/or hardcore, typically signified by an intensely melodic, intricately structured and/or melodically dissonant, emotion-invoking sound; and introspective, often melancholy lyrics. (Ex. The Promise Ring, Jawbreaker, Sense Field) adj. 1) Of or pertaining to the musical style of emo (an emo band.) 2) Of or pertaining to any object, individual or situation invoking similar emotions as emo music (That shirt is so emo.). [also emo-core or emoticore (archaic); from English emotion + hardcore].

In case you haven’t noticed, emo is definitely the trend of the hour. Whether it’s DC hardcore, melodic punk from the Bay or bittersweet midwest crybaby music you’re into, it’s all emo these days. Take this quiz and see just how emo you really are.

1) How would you be most likely to use the word “emo” in a sentence?

a) I thought “emo” was a character on Sesame Street...
b) Is this band “emo” or something?
c) The Get Up Kids are my favorite emo band.
d) That sweater vest you’re wearing is so emo.

2) Which would you be most likely to be seen wearing in public?
a) Really big baggy jeans and a wife beater
b) Anything with patches
c) Khakis and a zipper-front hooded sweatshirt
d) Polyester pants and thick-rimmed glasses

3) Typically, how many words long are the names of your favorite bands? (“The” does count as a word.)
a) Two
b) just one
c) Three
d) Four or more (the more the better)

4) Name your favorite kind of undershirt.
a) none
b) athletic shirt (wife beater)
c) regular T-shirt
d) V-neck

5) The average lifetime of a band you like is...
a) 20 years
b) 8 years
c) 3 years
d) 8 months

6) If you were to release a 7” what would you put on the cover?
a) guys and/or girls in leather with mohawks
b) guys with their mouths open, index fingers outstretched, and with visages of rage
c) funky photograph or artwork of anything random (in black & white)
d) landscape photo of the midwest

7) When you get rejected by a boy or girl, what do you do?
a) openly decry him/her to all your friends
b) write rage-fuelled or snotty songs about him or her privately
c) cry yourself to sleep. wake up crying. cry. rinse. repeat.
d) become an introverted, mentally unbalanced, maniacal stalker

8) Which of the following would you be most likely to listen to?
a) Metal (Slayer, Sabbath)
b) Ska (The Toasters, The Specials)
c) Indie Rock (Sebadoh, Pavement)
d) Whiny ‘80s New Wave (The Smiths, Joy Division)

9) Which of the following ages is closest to the age that you got your first real kiss?
a) 13
b) 16
c) 19
d) 38

10) Which of the following ages is closest to the age that you lost your virginity? If still a virgin, estimate....
a) 15
b) 18
c) 21
d) god only knows

11) When you first heard “emo” what was it called?
a) emo
b) emoticore
c) post-hardcore
d) Husker Du

12) My favorite baseball team is
a) none, baseball sucks
b) New York Yankees or Atlanta Braves
c) St. Louis Cardinals or Kansas City Royals
d) Chicago Cubs or Boston Red Sox

13) My favorite movie is
a) Scarface
b) Godmoney
c) Sid and Nancy
d) Edward Scissorhands (and I cry every time)

14) I have a crush on (pick one from either list)
a) the bass player from The Lunachicks
b) the singer from Beta Minus Mechanic
c) the drummer from Shift
d) the singer/bass player from Jejune (Araby!)

a) the singer from Dropkick Murphys
b) the singer from Snapcase
c) Blake
d) both guitarists from Jimmy Eat World and I can’t decide which one (gush)

15) Which describes you best
a) Not straightedge, never was, never will be, pass the bowl
c) Ex-edge or constant cheater
d) Usually don’t drink, but when you do, you become a raving, hellacious alcoholic

16) Choose your favorite pick-up line from the following
a) Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
b) Are those space pants? Because your BOOTY is lookin’ outta this world!!!
c)So...would you..... uh..... like to..... uhhhhm..... get a cup of cofffe or some- thing sometime with me?
d) I CAN’T just be friends anymore. Its killing me!

SCORING: each (a): 1 pt each (b): 2 pts each (c): 3 pts each (d): 5 pts

16-30 points: Although you are likely aware of the emo scene, it would take a lot more than your Fugazi collection to ever infiltrate it in any meaningful way. Face it, you’re just not the sensitive, whiny type. We suggest you try forging an identity based around some other accepted archtype, such as punk rock, hardcore, or mainstream society. Oh, and you might actually have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend some day.

31-45 points: You probably own a couple Jawbreaker albums already at least, and maybe even a pair of glasses (real prescription glasses, of course). You might not be quite as emotionally fragile as some, but rainy days and (happy) Mondays probably tend to bring you down. We suggest you buy a record player and try to get hold of whatever gets good reviews in Muddle. Your love life is probably tepid, but we bet you get laid or get dates occasionally.

46-60 points: You were probably the first kid on your block with “30 Degrees Everywhere” and if you’re not blind as a bat in a snowstorm, you probably wear glasses anyhow. Obviously we can’t tell you anything more about emo than you already know, and you were probably bitching about this quiz the moment you saw the word “emo” used in a serious context. We suggest that you marry for money or status, because you’re obviously way too sensitive to ever successfully carry out any kind of meaningful relationship. Your uber-scenester status might get you laid occassionally, but you’ll always feel guilty in the morning.