Back to Issue 3 | Back to Chuck Firebomb's Nihilistic Minute

This month's adventure:


Hey, ho, I'm back. And now, as promised, how to fuck with Tops. Why fuck with Tops Friendly Monopolists? Here's a powder keg of reasons for ya. First, do you really want the entire food supply of Western New York being controlled by one company, an obvious and frighteningly close goal of Tops? Just think of all the chains disappearing from the area, not to mention the complete disappearance of the small neighborhood grocer. I've even heard rumor Tops has been using its sizable political clout to keep other grocery chains out of the area. Second, I'm sick of seeing every damn piece of vacant property in the area sporting a brand-new Tops Super Center every time I turn around to take a piss. What's wrong with trees, folks? With all the vacant structures and parking lots in Western New York, I'd like to see Tops renovate an old store just once instead of flattening a small forest while leaving an old abandoned Goliath elsewhere to slowly fall into decay, simply for a tax break. Are we gonna let these fuckers and their close allies Benderson Development pave over this entire half of the state before we do something?

At this point, simply because of Tops's wide proliferation of supermarkets and their near death-grip on the entire Western New York area, mounting a successful wide-spread boycott of the corporation would prove difficult. What we need is a good old-fashioned grass-roots terrorist campaign. Grocery Liberation Army? Not quite, but you can still do your part. Once again I must express my distaste for bombings, as these usually only serve to slaughter innocent wage-slaves. Personally, I prefer the subtle. Here's one way to fuck with Tops. First, pick up a shopping cart and roll in. Then, head on over to the freezer section and load up the cart with anything you know will spoil if thawed. Don't forget to stop by Captain's Choice and the meat counter, now! If you want to be especially devious, load up the bottom of the cart with some greeting cards, magazines, or similar items that will be ruined if they get wet. Be creative! And the more expensive the items the better. Now, simply ditch the cart in an inconspicuous part of the store and leave. Think about how big some of those damn places are and the people who work there. How long do you think it'll take someone to figure out no one's coming back for that cart? Meanwhile you are safe at Mighty Taco with a Veggie Burrito, and the fuckers at Tops are stuck with at least twenty bucks worth of ruined merchandise.

This is only one way you can help take out the monopolist pigs at Tops. If you sit down and think about it, I'm sure there are lots of other ways to fuck with these pigs. Ask any friend who works at Tops or another grocery store if they know of any other weak spots you can exploit. And as I said, subtle methods are often the best. I mean, sure, you could gather up fifty of your closest friends, post yourselves around different aisles in a Tops some late night, simultaneously trash a few aisles in about thirty seconds, bolt for the lot, and get out before anybody on the overnight skeleton crew would even have thought about calling the cops, but then again somebody might have a slight chance of getting busted. They'd might have a shot at catching you if you drove by and put a brick through the window, too, so I wouldn't suggest that either.
The one question you're probably asking yourself right now is, "Why not WEGMANS?" Well, why not? I'm sure someone will be there to fill the gap when Tops goes down, and Wegmans seems like a likely candidate. But we have to take out the big boy first, and that's Walter's evil army. Save Western New York! KILL TOPS! Have fun, kiddies.